Back with the fitness...

Well i promised after the last boring boring blog i'd try for something a little more entertaining. After posting the last one, things got immediately more entertaining, for a spell, and then incredibly less entertaining. Now where was i...

Well, after posting saturday from Samui, i meet up with the rest of the gang (alex, mick and sally) and we head off in search of a cheap day tour. Everyone was into elephant riding and all that jazz, but it held no interest for me so i reasoned that instead of each spending 1500 baht (approx e30) on a day's elephant riding and sight seeing, they spend 500 baht each (e5) an elephant ride and we rent another four wheel drive for 800 baht (e16) and drive around sight seeing and such, thus saving money (best part of fifteen euro each) and having the freedom to go see what we want, when we want. We find a place that sells elephant rides, the lads buy one each, and we all go get a few hours sleep.

Around eight we decide to prowl the beach for some cheap food. Around nine we realise nowhere on the beach is cheap, so head for the main street. Around ten we realise nowhere on the main street is cheap either (compared to the two euro curries we were getting where we had stayed previously on samui) so we settle on a german restaraunt and get some food. After dinner we do a little light window shopping, and alex and mick decide to get a massage. Myself and sally decline and head off to have a look at more shops. One of the painful things about shopping in thailand is nothing has a price on it, and an enquiry lands you straight into a bargaining frenzy. Being that i had no plans on spending cash on ANYTHING (a night in a hotel that costs more than your entire daily budget will do that) it was a fairly frustrating night, but i did get to see some sweet (and cheap) clothes, chat with an amazing artist dude, and generally see some sweet thai crafts stuff.

Anyways, while walking around earlier, we passed this, how do i put this, ladyboy cabaret. Being all fine heterosexual males, alex mick and i all walked past and stared while pretending to a stroll down the street taking no notice, in the process walking into everything from lamp posts to people. Sally, not giving a shit, stared while walking into nothing, and suggested we go in. Later, she suggests this again and i, having not had a drink yet that day, agree. We rock up and get a seat by the door (so i can bolt if things get too fruity) and order two drinks (which turn out to be 150 baht (three euro), an absolte rip off by thai standards). On stage are a coterie of what are almost ladies - one dudette in particular would pass for a playboy model were s/he not surrounded by badly made up tina turner lookalikes (sally keeps on about him/her all the way through the set to the point where i think she might have been turned to the dark side, but don't tell mick). The crowd is thin but surprising - behind us is an english family with two boys of about ten or twelve, obviously having the time of their lives. After one song, the tallest, scariest of the, eh, performers, announces it's time for audience participation and asks for volunteers from the crowd to come join them for a dance. As tina turner walks towards me, i get a feeling as if someone is grabbing my shoulder and, turning to find nobody there, realise i'm having my first ever heart attack! How exiting!! Luckly, she walks past me and grabs one of the ten year old english kids and coaxes him to the stage (the word coaxing as i understand it meaning "to pull kicking and screaming"). They spend another few minutes collecting various dudes from the crowd and stuffing them in behind the curtain. After a minute or so, "I will survive" starts up, and each participant comes out in sub-Monthy-Python drag and is made shuffle/shimmy/traipse the length of the dance floor to another podium at the opposite end of the club. Up last: the english preteen, a face like he's about to have us all killed, throwing daggers at his parents (both of whom are just about on the floor with laughter) and ignoring his brother, who you can tell is already looking forward to getting back to school. After a little "what's your name, where are you from", the cabaret finishes up, the DJ starts, and the ladies make around the room for photos. Sally and i take pictures with a few before realising (a) they want money for each picture and (b) we have no money left. A quick exit is made stage left.

We meet up with the lads again, head for home and crash. The next morning we move our stuff to a far cheaper resort, collect our jeep and head for the elephant trekking center. While there's no water this time (and thus no engine cutting out), there's also no suspension in the jeep, and thus the ride is, to put it mildly, uncomfortable. The thing is so sensitive to bumps in the road it could be used to locate ancient fossils hundreds of meters under the road. Add to this the state of samui's roads and drivers, and within minutes i have my head out the window shouting obscenities (the horn in this van doesn't work, though that doesn't stop me beating the shit out of the spot where the (usless bastarding) thing should be). We get to the elephant trekking center and the lads head off for their 30 minute trek. It's a nice peaceful place, and they have two junior monkies tied to a tree (plenty of room to get about mind you, not as inhumane as it sounds) so i sit on a bench and watch them for a while. Time drags and i soon realise everyone's been gone for about an hour. I head back to the van to try get a little shut eye but no hope. When i get back to the monkies, someone (presumably a keeper) has given them each a live frog. I think this is odd, but not as odd as what i'm about to witness.

Now, knowing monkies only from fota wildlife park and episodes of Friends, i assume they are friendly little fellers, all about playing games, swinging from trees, and trying to steal your sandwitches. Not so. The monkey nearest me first bashes his frog's head off the tree stump, then tries to bite a chunk out of what can only be the frog's man parts. He chews this for a while, the frog's legs going ninety, then scrapes it's head off a rock for a few minutes. Frog still alive, he bites one of it's eyes off. This goes on for another ten minutes or so until i leave (why i watched for ten minutes, i have no idea). I walk around for a while until the lads show up, having topped off their 30 minute elephant ride with an hour at the foot of the waterfall and a long leisurly stroll back to the van. I play nice and suggest i didn't mind waiting, but inside i'm picturuing me as a monkey and them as frogs (bet you didn't know that fuckers!!! hahaha). We drive around for a while and find somewhere to eat. We set off for Big Buddah (as mentioned in an earlier blog, a huge buddah (see my flickr pics)). This involves a few scenic detours and a few near instances of brain damage when the van goes over small holes and we're all sent flying around the cabin. Big buddah is, again, cool as fuck. The statue is up a long set of stairs, and from there you can see for miles. It's a square shaped covered platform, with around 25 hanging bells, and we each take sticks to ring them. It's incredibly soothing and we soon set off in a rather very good mood. We stop at a market to buy a few odds and ends, and then head for home.

Being our last night in the south, we all get dressed up fancy (meaning: I wear jeans and a tshirt with not one single profanity on it) and head for a very very nice italian restaraunt up the road. While not even remotely pricey by western standards (the meal for four comes to about e30), it's a big splash, and we are made feel like kings. We head for the beach for one last drink, and crash.

4:55am we meet outside the resort to make our way to the airport to fly to Bangkok. Our taxi is booked for 5am (our flight is at 6:30) but the cheeky fucker arrives around 5:45 and we skid into departures just as they're about to stop taking people for the flight. The flight is uneventful, with the exception of the guitarist from Pearl Jam sitting about two rows in front of me. We get into bangkok early and make for our hotel, which mick and sally assure is top class. While the foyer is pretty swank, and the price of the room suggests it's nice, the rooms are unfortunately the size of a shoebox, and my telly has four thai channels, two french channels, and the news in japanese. Balls. We sleep for a while then hit MBK, Bangkok's biggest shopping center. I was promised a floor full of electronics so i, being a sensible mature twenty six year old male, get very giddy and practically run up the escilators to the forth floor (stopping only once for a strawberry milkshake, natch). Unfortunately, electronics translates to mobile phones, and i walk around fruitlessly looking for earphones for an hour (mine having been inexplicably stolen from my hotel room in Koh Tao, inexplicably because they were an e18 pair of headphones plugged into a e300 MP3 player, which the theif left behind). Eventually, after arguing with two sales clerks and spending ten minutes having an 81 year old american tell me her family history (when will americans get the hint: we don't give a toss about your great great great great great grand aunt who once met someone who may have had a neighbour who had some stupid irish sounding (but in no way irish) surname like "ireland" or "shamrock" or "O' Hitler") i find a shop that does a fine line in sony ripoffs and get a nice pair of headphones for half nothing.

This being Alex's last night in Thailand, we decide to go fancy for dinner and then get thrashed. Unfortunately it's pissing out of the heavens when we leave the hotel, so we settle for the nearest place with a cover and get some fairly dodgy food (but still have a good time). We stop off at a few bars before heading to this one superpub on the corner with pool tables. Unfortunately, it's also chock full of thai girls (of the "for rent" variety) who are absolutely amazing at pool so we watch Alex get thoroughly thrashed at pool by one (poor bastard) and head back to a street bar for more drinks. Mick and sally are both a little sick so they head home, and myself an alex head back to the pool bar. What follows is a little sketchy, like watching a DVD on 20x fast forward. Basically: drinks, pool, some wanker from wicklow, dancing, cocktails, american girls, vodka and red bull, english dudes, beer, very dodgy tuc tuc ride, nightclub in the middle of nowhere at 4am, "i'm not paying six euro into nowhere", another dodgy tuc tuc ride, dutch girls, whiskey, some random german guy, mc donalds, some mad tribeswoman offering me a jumper, waking up in my hotel room with ABSOLUTELY no idea where i am for a good five minutes. Good night then.

Tuesday not much happens. The hangover's pretty bad but i don't complain much, for some reason it's the first hangover i've gotten here, so i don't want to jinx it. We run into Mike and Anna (who we left on ko tao) and it turns out they got in at 2am and booked into the same place. I book back into the same place i stayed before (cheap and cheeful) and pass the day walking around, eathing, and sleeping. At night we go out for alex's last meal in thailand, play more pool, have the craic with the street sellers and around midnight, see alex off in a taxi. Tis sad to see him go and he's pretty upset about it, but we're all sure we'll see him again, legend that he is. After a quick McDonalds, we all crash.

Wednesday i check out of my hotel and drop my stuff to the lads' hotel room. My train to Chiang Mai (about fourteen hours north) isn't until 10pm so i have a lot of time to kill. I eat a few times, do some shopping, and at some point settle into a bar on the street to read my book. I pass about an hour and a half eating a little, drinking a bit, and getting through a shitload of my book while occasionally watching people on the street. The bar isn't all that busy, yet for some reason, when a very obviously worse for wear english dude with some very dodgy prison tattoos falls into the place, they put him at the other side of my table. I try to avoid him as much as possible, until he starts talking to me. The conversation goes something like this.

Random British Nutter: Good book is it?
Me: Yeah not bad.
RBM: Crazy place this.
Me: Mad enough alright.
RBM: I have to get out of here, it's driving me fuckin mental.
Me: Yeah, bangkok's a bit nuts alright. How long are you here?
RBM: Not sure mate, it's either (counts on fingers for a while), it's either two days, or a week and a half. It's driving me fuckin mental.
Me: Eh.... Right.
RBM: Are yeh graftin coke at all?
Me: Eh, no. (to a passing waiter) could i get my bill please?
RBM: This place is driving me fuckin mental. I want to go down south but i spent a month in prison there last time and they told us if i ever came back they'd bang me up again.
Me: Not a nice place to be locked up i'd say.
RBM: No likes. You're irish aye? I've done time in the joy, and i've done time in britain, but these prisons here (making a fist) i fookin tells ya.
Me: ....
RBM: I'm a violent cunt at the best of times but the shit you have to do down there.
Me: ....
RBM: Are ya sellin coke at all?
Me: Eh... No. (to passing waiter) any sign of my bill?
RBM: The women here are savage, but you've to watch out for the ladyboys, ken? I'd to beat the shite out of one there a few weeks ago.
Me: ... Sure you'll have that i suppose. Anyways, if the waiter comes back, give him this (throwing 300 baht on the table). Cheerio!
RBM: Cheers. (to my back) Here, do you know where i can get any coke?

I walk around for a while, meet the lads, and we go for dinner in this rather nice indian place. We head for the pool bar for a while, and at around nine i flag a tuc tuc, say my goodbeyes and head for the train station. Or at least the direction of the train station. I think. Remember what i said about tuc tuc drivers being nuts? This one stops to renegociate a few times, in the middle of a few dodgy neighbourhoods. Then he stops a few times and disappears into houses leaving me expecting to be mugged at any moment. I eventually get to the train station and get on my train. Peace at last i think, until this thin nervoous/exuberant english guy comes up and introduces himself. He's on a month off work and trying to pack in as much of thailand as he can. I'm fairly tired at this point but i chat with him for a while, sipping on some cheap beers i got at the station. He's about two years out of college and a complete prat, the type to tell you tonnes about himself and his past and the things he's achieved in his job (including names of superiors and stuff that nobody other than his mum cold ever give a toss about), but as soon as someone else starts talking, he's bored out of his brains and making no attempt to hide it (and yes i recogise the irony in complaining about someone telling you boring details of their life in a huge boring blog, shut up). I try to stonewall him a few times into leaving me alone but his bunk isn't ready yet (it's a sleeper train) so he starts into another story about his walking around bangkok or the things he's going to do in the north or the computers he got his bosses at work to use. I have no problem with someone being a bit lonely and enjoying company, but when i tell him about my own experiences, he's staring bored around the carriage, patently not listening and obviously wishing his bunk was ready. Mercifully, after an eternity (probably about fifteen minutes), his bunk is ready and he cuts me off mid sentence with "see you later" and bolts. Thank christ!!! I drain my beer and fall asleep.

We arrive into Chiang Mai around 1pm. I pass the time beforehand reading my book, taking photos out the window, and listening to music. When i get off the train, i head for a songthaw (shared taxi - a hiace with seats in the back) and ask to go to Libra House, a guesthouse i hear is nice and cheap. After a minute, the driver arrives with another lady who tells me there's actually a free songthaw to libra house. I gather up my stuff and arrive to the free transport, and who's in the back? The english prat. Ah shite. He bores me for a while on the way to the guesthouse, we get there and it turns out to be just as cheap and cheerful as promised. I get a room and head back to the restaraunt for food. As i finish, english dude comes back and asks if i'm interested in heading off around town. It's tempting (or rather, as tempting as eating my own testicles) but i pass saying i'm going to go get a few hours sleep first and head back to my room. I give it 30 mins for safety's sake, and head out.

Chiang Mai's a nice spot. One of the guide books says it's like a small town grown bigger and i'd have to agree. I walk around checking out the shops and some temples and things, eat some food, drink some beers, check out the night market and eventually crash around 11pm.

At about 1am i wake and throw up. Same again at 3am, 4.30am, 6am and 8am. Balls.

This is where things get pretty boring. I spend a few days in my room sick, reading about three books a day and eating about once a day. Nice for saving money, but a shit thing to do on your own in a foreign country. At this point i'm still a bit sick but also sick of being indoors so i'm around town a bit more, but taking it very easy. I haven't had a drink in almost a week. Imagine!

Anyways, i do make it out for a few hours on sunday for the Loi Krathong festival. This is an annual festival held on the 12th full moon (or some such pagan bollocks) and is to celebrate the end of the monsoon. Everyone in town makes a little raft out of bamboo leaves, loads it with flowers and candles, and sends it off down the river. Add to that thousands of thai candles being let off (a large paper cylinder, open at one end, with some sort of candle thing underneath - basically it fills with smoke and after a few minutes takes off and floats into the sky until it's the size of a star) and millions of fireworks, and you have a rather large but beautiful brouhaha. Thousands of people come out and line the streets, there's fire breathing, dancing, sparklers, singing - all kinds of madness. I head out for about four hours of it, walk about ten miles with the parade, take some pics, and head back to my cave.

So now it's.... Wednesday. Tomorrow i'll be in Chiang Mai for a week, which is a pretty sorry situation seeing as all i've done is see some fireworks, read most of John Grisham's novels, and throw up a lot. Tomorrow i'm heading for pai where i hope to go see some tribes, check out some countryside, and catch up on my drinking. Until then....